The Ted Baker Heart Break
Attempting a little light haggling leaves our writer still pinning for that perfect coat
Article by Peter Brooker
A facsimile of my relationship with Ted Baker would be that of a guy in his mid-forties with male pattern baldness who is dating a C-cup 19 year old cocktail waitress adorned with nose piercings and script tattoo’s. Of course she’s a child of divorce with zero self-esteem. However, one day she lands a modelling gig, is flown to Miami and before you know it she’s on the cover of Vogue dating a Russian hockey player. You think I digress, but indulge me.
Last Winter I’m on the verge of shelling out 350 sheets on a Ted Baker Double Breasted Overcoat at their flagship store in Cambridge. I ask the assistant at the desk to throw in the socks for free. The socks are only a fiver but he deflects, informing me that he hasn’t got the authority to haggle. ‘Get your superior‘ I instruct him. Enter the Manageress, a sturdy 40-something blonde with a never-say-yes attitude. She refuses to throw the socks in, and her face contorts with indignation that I even had the balls to ask. So I bid her good day, tell her to keep the socks and the £350 Overcoat, and I walk out, coat-less and cold.
No doubt Ted Baker won’t be losing any sleep over losing a sale for £350. Ted Baker knows there’s an endless ream of hunky Russian Hockey players that will fill my void. Yet one year on, it’s me that pines for Teddy with no reciprocation; dreaming of that Overcoat and our future in a sliding doors life. Teddy has since moved on, ignored my countless requests to rekindle our fleeting tryst and now with the unveiling of Teddy’s AW15 collection of Bombers, Peacoats, Statements, and Quilted Jackets, the proverbial scab has been peeled back like a ring pull on an 1980s coke can. As Nabokov would say ‘The poison is in the wound you see‘. Of course I’ll take you back Teddy, please call me, Jesus Christ just call me! 