Titillation at Tower Bridge
Despite an excellent selection of gins and well-drilled barmen, TwoRuba still feels slightly conflicted in what it’s trying to be
Review by Winston Chesterfield
Bar
TwoRuba is the sleek, ground floor bar to the Hilton London Bridge, amongst the gleaming offices of the More London development. “The music is too loud for a Tuesday” passed through my throbbing head as I sat in a huge, grey armchair.
Looking around, I noted that the after-work and pre-dinner crowd tended towards the smart, laptop-wielding, corporate professional set, probably from Ernst & Young’s offices which are opposite – or any one of the hundreds of financial services businesses just across London Bridge.
The interactions were giggly but distant characterised by out-of-office colleague flirtations and stiff Tinder dates – most of whom are probably married.
It’s a wise choice for them to come to TwoRuba as no one will ever catch you cheating here; the ‘soon to depart’ hotel guests are too engrossed with selecting their seat on their British Airways app to notice any of the local wildlife.
Connections with travel don’t end there. This feels like a particularly good Lufthansa first class airport lounge, with despondent guests sitting patiently, clutching the handles of Rimowa carry-on cases, staring at empty pint glasses.
However, this transit atmosphere is countered by some bold attempts at quirkiness.
Wire mesh curtains provide an alarming strip club/sex dungeon feel. The Tom Dixon-esque, coppery ceiling illuminations are reminiscent of John Lewis lighting department on Oxford Street. And the chairs, though very comfortable, are also amusingly unnecessarily large.
It’s desperately trying not to be a Hilton bar (which it is), rather it plays that awkward mix of hipster-luxe and glossy corporate simplicity. It’s amiable but rather clinical – perfect for the multitude of accountants who work nearby. Don’t come here expecting mystique or romance.
Bar staff have a hard job in a place like this. These Square Mile-ish bars are torn between trying to be a watering hole in a business-focused area of town and attempting to be an individual, destination bar. It’s hard to address both, and the jetlagged, sleep-starved patrons of the hotel don’t seem to care enough. Thank god the barmen know what they are doing.
Cocktails
The drinks menu is impressively long, and you can order off-piste if you choose. This will be pretty safe if, like me, you are a dry gin martini/Gibson drinker. The bar has a great selection of gins such as Opihr, Bloom, Monkey47 and Elephant Gin. I always judge a bar on its range of gins, and this is not just bigger than average, it’s well balanced.
Signature cocktails are rum, gin, vodka or bourbon & whisky based; there’s very little of the latter, which is a shame as they make some of the best and most popular cocktails (Old Fashioned, Manhattan, Boulevardier etc).
On the whole, the Signatures are competent but are too focused on citrus and fruits; as a result, it all feels a little girly and ‘happy hour.’ I like a sweet, fruity cocktail occasionally and the bar is called TwoRuba – I get it, it’s a Tiki theme. However, it’s only vaguely so; theme bars in London need to hit you over the head with a giant theme stick to get most punters to realise what the theme actually is. This place feels stuck between a cool, Park Hyatt lobby and Trader Vics. I doubt I need to tell you what is more preferable.
Tested cocktails
“Between The Shifts” -2/5
The name is a riff on Between The Sheets, a legendary and potent concoction which was a favourite of F Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway – but then again, which cocktail wasn’t?
Rum, orange curacao, apricot brandy and grapefruit.
Passable as a riff on a classic, but a David to the original’s Goliath. Lacks punch. A Between The Sheets, made properly, should hit you for six.
“Honeymoon” – 1/5
Gin, honey water, absinthe, lemon juice and topped with champagne.
If your Honeymoon is this bitter, your marriage is going to be a hoot. Strepsils version of Buck’s Fizz. Not a fan.
“Smokey Cocktail” - 4/5
Johnnie Walker Black, Lagavulin, cherry, cinnamon and smoked apple
A very tasty winter cocktail, with a good deal of Islay smoke from the Lagavulin to balance against the sweet, mulled wine notes of the apple, cherry and cinnamon.
“Hemingway Special” – 3/5
Havana Club 3, Havana Club 7, maraschino, grapefruit & lime
This wasn’t bad but, like many rum drinks, doesn’t work in a windy, dark British winter. You need a beach, a cigar and preferably a warm sandy body next to you in a hammock. 
Enquiries: TwoRuba, Hilton Tower Bridge Hotel, Tooley Street, London SE1 2BY / 0203 0024300 / www.tworuba.com/