Advice for the Modern Woman

It’s been four months since our columnist returned home a single woman from her trip around Europe and there’s a few things to say

Column by Jo Gregory

Firstly, stop telling people you’re a pescatarian, then go and smash a whole pack of sausages on a hangover. You eat meat occasionally, that’s your new line.

Please stop beating yourself up in a gym class, you’re a queen for even turning up at those classes. It’s you that’s holding you back, not the lack of fuel before a class, or the fact that you were born with a tilted pelvis, so you can’t bend that way; it’s your brain, so please be kinder to yourself in those rooms, it’s heart-breaking to watch.

Never stop dancing. Ever. This is what makes you tick, it breathes life into you. It’s who you are. You don’t need to be inebriated to do this but sometimes a gin will see you on the way. Talking of which, don’t drink more than three gins of an evening and don’t drink white wine, unless accompanied with a meal. No, olives and nuts don’t count.

Stop holidaying in Ibiza. You’ve been 11 times, perhaps see the rest of the world and leave it to the youngsters?

Don’t let your failed relationship hold you back from falling in love again. You have too much love in you, share it with someone, they’d be lucky to have it.

Learn to love every new lump and bump you see on your body. People are friends with you for your generosity and love for life, not love handles and some holiday weight. Love that woman you see in the mirror no matter how much she changes. And as for the people you sleep with, they couldn’t care less what you looked like as long as everyone is happy.

Never lose that special relationship with your parents. Take them out to the theatre, take your mum to a drag show, go for a pint with your dad. You’re so fortunate to still have them in your life.

Stop eating too much bread, it doesn’t make you feel good. Yes, I know, there’s nothing better than two slices of toast with Whole Earth crunchie peanut butter when you get in from a night out, but you’ll wake up feeling like you’re trying to digest a small horse.

Stop clinging onto old friendships that cause you upset and move on.

Don’t get drunk at Karaoke and sing rap songs. There will only be one person in the room who will appreciate it and you’ll probably get the words wrong anyway.

Stop watching videos of Diana Ross, you’ll never be able to sing like her or live in the 1970s so save yourself some valuable time and perhaps pick up that book you’ve taken three months to read.

Don’t ever regret quitting your job to go travelling in a last-ditch attempt to save your marriage. You should be proud of yourself, many people would have given up long before you did. You couldn’t have done any more. As for work, you wanted a new challenge, it was a good time move on.

Book more breaks by the sea. You know what that sea air evokes pure pleasure in your brain. And take more walks in the countryside.

Keep doing things that scare the life out of you. It’s good for you to push your limits and nine times out of ten you end up loving it even if, at the time, you think you’re going to die.

Stop buying clothes at New Look and H&M. They will shrink, break or look like crap after the first wash. When will you learn?

Turn your phone onto airplane mode for one afternoon a week. Leave it in another room to charge. Delete apps. Stop trying to live your best life through Instagram*, we all know it’s a lie (*uploads this article to Instagram).

Learn how to make your own sushi so you can stop bitching about how other places get it wrong.

Never ever drink more than one espresso martini. It caused you to be sick out of a bedroom window once (you’d never stayed there before, you didn’t have time to find the bathroom) and it was one of the worst hangovers of your life. Stick to one, but before 6pm, you’ll be up all night otherwise.

Learn a new skill every year.

Watch more films. Yes, watching films on your own doesn’t have the same appeal but you’ll learn, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry and it’s better than watching crap (or falling into a Diana Ross YouTube video hole)

You’ll never be able to get over the fact that you can’t try pants on in the shop, nor can you take them back, the gamble is high, the payoff is low… Baffling.

If you think it, always tell a woman they look good, even if you feel like a tit saying it to a perfect stranger.

Do not sleep with him on the first date. Even though you ache for him, even though your heart sings and your body fizzes whenever he texts you, wait, it will be worth it.

…always wear sunscreen… riddle_stop 2

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